Ask Me Anything: Marriage Questions

Photography by Second Floor Media, styled by Mosaic Clothing.

I’ve been married to Derrek for almost 9 years. In no way does this make me a marriage expert. I’ve learned A LOT during this chapter of my life and I am sure as time goes on, that will continue. I can honestly say that I’ve grown the most as a person during our marriage and I am so thankful of all the changes that have occurred in us both.

Derrek and I have an interesting story, in my opinion, because we met through someone that he was on a date with. I honestly thought he was super weird when I first met him because it was at a restaurant I worked at and the things he talked about during our brief conversation were very DEEP and not what I was used to as a college student focused on partying. Almost 6 months later, we were both out at the same place with our separate friend groups and we struck up a conversation. I had ended a relationship with a longtime boyfriend and began my health journey so I was in a completely different head space than when I first met him. He was single, charming and not at all sketchy like all the other guys I knew my age. We just clicked and have spent 99% of our time together since.

We got married on the beach with our siblings and moms in attendance and had a very small dinner at Gulfsteam Cafe for our “reception.” We have been blessed with the opportunity to go through some extreme highs and lows together with finances. I say this because it has really helped us as people and a couple learning to navigate life together without any money whatsoever to growing successful businesses and learning life on the opposite end of the spectrum. We’ve had our ups and downs and arguments for sure but each one of them has helped us grow stronger.

Our relationship isn’t something I want anyone to feel like I am boasting about so I don’t really write often about it but the man is amazing and I am thankful to have found my soulmate and a wonderful father for our five children. I recently opened up my stories to any questions you have about our relationship so here we go.

Q: How often do you have a date night away from your house?
A: When we were first married (I would say for the first 5 years of our marriage) we didn’t have a sitter. So date nights never happened. When we moved, we made a pact to make it work since the ability to find sitters was easier. We shoot for once a week and sometimes that doesn’t work so it’s every two weeks max.

Q: If not too personal, what was the biggest obstacle you two had to overcome?
A: The way we were raised. We grew up in different households and that caused us to project the things we’ve seen our entire lives onto one another. Couples counseling helped us with this so much. We now know how to talk to one another in a way that works for our marriage.

Q: How did he respond to you switching to healthier/safer things around your house?
A: He taught me A LOT about health but the swaps around the home all came from me. He has always supported me but somethings he fought me on… like his deodorant and body wash. I just had to educate him on why I made those choices and he understood. He is very supportive of all that we do to live a healthier lifestyle.

Q: We have two kids but are scared we won’t have time for each other if we have more. Advice?
A: people with one kid can not make time for one another. Commit to making your relationship a priority and it won’t matter how many kids you have. Marriage isn’t perfect. Find your way to make it work. TALK ABOUT HOW YOU WILL MAKE IT WORK. Don’t just assume that it will. Have a plan.

Q: What do you argue/disagree about the most?
A: Kid discipline. We were raised differently which causes friction when it comes to the kids being disciplined. Countless conversations have been had so we can remain on the same page and be a united front. We rarely disagree on anything else.

Q: How do you find ways and the time to pray together?
A: We try to do this but to be honest it needs to be something we do more. Derrek and I have our own relationships with the Lord. We are working on getting into a more routine habit of being those relationships together as well.

Q: Did you meet before your health journey started or after?
A: The first time I met him was before and I didn’t like him AT ALL. After I started getting my life together and I met him again, I really enjoyed his company. I enjoyed it so much that we really haven’t been apart since.

Q: How did you now you were ready for more kids?
A: We never really planned my pregnancies. Just let God guide us on that journey. We know that we are very content with our FIVE and have plans in our own businesses that we want to accomplish so more kids isn’t on our radar right now.

Q: Is it hard managing a house with so many babies?
A: We have created really good routines in our household that work for us so the only time its chaotic is when the routine changes. We thrive in routine with as many people as we have under one roof. If you’re going to have children, you should talk with your spouse beforehand and throughout your relationship on what each person needs to do within the household to make it thrive. We both work, we both wanted kids and we both know it takes work from both of us to be happy and function.

Q: Do y’all have specific roles or kinda go with the flow?
A: There are certain things he does that I don’t do (like take out the trash) and things I do (like organizing our home) that he doesn’t do. I think its important to delegate things amongst yourselves so no one feels frustrated or feeling like they are doing more than the other. We alternate things that are routine in our weeks. I think it’s super important for you and your spouse to talk about things like this so you aren’t being passive aggressive towards one another. With a household as large as ours, it’s pure chaos unless things are talked about and delegated. I am so thankful we really have taken the time to do this with one another.

Q: How do you have a good healthy sex life with kids? Struggling to find a balance here.
A: When the kids go to sleep, it’s your time. PERIOD. Normally, I let my phone die so there isn’t something trying to draw my attention away from us. We make sure to pour into each other throughout the day and also “date” so that we have our relationship outside of kids. I believe that a healthy sex life with your spouse CAN positively impact your relationship. Making that connection with each other is extremely important.

Q: Tips on working through a decision you disagree on?
A: Try not to lead with anger and remain calm. When you just want to jab someone to hurt them, it’s never going to resolve. Staying calm helps things not get out of hand. I work best addressing the problem head on, Derrek works best thinking about it for a little bit and then talking. We always have a conversation about whatever it is and try to see each person’s point of view. Sometimes that is easier than others but we make it a priority.

Q: Favorite quality of your husbands? Favorite quality of yours that he loves?
A: I love how good of a heart he has. He is literally the nicest person I have ever met in my entire life. He would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. I love how he drives me to be a better person. He said that his favorite quality of mine is the perseverance I have in my work ethic. He loves how I strive to do my best to provide what I do for my family and for others.

Q: How did you know he was the right guy?
A: We as woman have a tendency to romanticize and think of what could be when it comes to a relationship. Innately we know if it’s not what it should be but we keep hoping for change. I knew he was the right one from the moment we connected the SECOND time. We were both connecting on a level I have never done before and I didn’t have all of these thoughts in my head on how I could make the relationship work. It just worked.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this ASK US ANYTHING much as I have! Please feel free to comment on this post with any more questions you might have.